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(no subject)  
10:26am 09/06/2009
I just finished a work out a la personal wellness, I feel pretty good.  I need to swing by the church and pick up the song I'm singing on sunday, and then I need to talk to financial aid and find out where the hell my money is!  I always end up getting my loan money about a month late...so the first month or so of classes are miserable..and hungry.  I'm on the front porch sitting in a wicker chair with a large cushion,  its my favorite place to sit for some reason, you can sit in nearly any position with relative comfort, save upside down..but that would be an absurd angle indeed!  I'm hoping to find a good flexible job sometime this week, here's hoping HA! I'm not so good at finding jobs it would seem...i just can't do it!  but you can't win if you don't play and so I'm on the hunt. 

I've come to realize that perhaps I'm a bit intense when it comes to romance..I don't think it's necessarily clingy, maybe it is who knows..I get into it so much, I guess, its a pretty convincing rendition of love at first sight or date at least..not the case, i'm just an advocate of going hard or going home..slash..i get a little aggressive, these things happen about twice a year if I'm lucky.  well, a wise woman once said "STOP THE INSANITY" so I'll try and see if I can work on that. lol
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(no subject)  
10:21pm 08/06/2009
I've decided to update my livejournal picture, it seems a bit outdated...I am six years older than that picture...wow, fuck. 

I've nearly finished unpacking my belongings after my move across the alley (i can see my old house, quite plainly).  For some reason, as of late, I've been finding that its difficult to get everything in order.  Graduate school in the fall, and I feel...dubious.  Its not that I'm worried about measuring up, or about hating it...I just feel completely trapped.  I have no choice, I can't afford not to go.  Not really the position I had imagined..I figured that it would be the next step, but its WAY more complicated than that.  At no point in the last year or two have I felt that I was completely in control of my academic/professional life..just going through the motions, and now that I've finished, its a new form of uncertainty...apparently you do look back and realize these are the best years of your life, I just didn't think it  would happen before I officially finished.  Ugh...*fake violin thing that nathan does when I bitch* life goes on.

In other news...I'm sick, I've got this cough..doesn't seem like much of a problem, just mildly to entirely inconvenient at times.

other other news...I'm so impatient even my flings are getting shorter, we're talkin' less than a week..we were at first kiss, hickeys, spend the night, too clingy, talk it out, move away, meloncholy music w/ listless staring, and done.  I've taken to drinking on the buddy system that kwik star has implicated..I had a mega buddy yesterday, pretty sure this is rock bottom, I think I'm going to start meditating.

stay tuned, I guess..Hey! murry and I are getting along better, who'd have thought?!?!  sometimes you really do just have to let jesus take the wheel.
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end of the year blues...slash...  
07:01pm 06/05/2009
So I think that I've discovered the best method of studying for me...see, the average college student may find themselves in a panic on, say, Sunday afternoon before finals week.  Realizing that he/she has ONLY gathered the appropriate materials, scanned them once or twice in preparation for their difficult Monday morning exam, and only gotten approximately half-way through their "semester-long" project which would be due on the final day of the semester, he/she would then begin a marathon of coffee drinking, chain-smoking, highlighting, typing, double-checking, more typing, contemplating calling that friend of a friend who has an adderall prescription (he/she has heard it works), crying, more typing, calling said friend of a friend, sleeping 2 hours, more typing...etc.


Previously I had thought that I was not an intellectual, that I really wasn't cut out for school...I'm not so sure that this assumption is entirely accurate.. (Granted that friend of a friend happens to be my roommate)...I woke up on Monday morning and studied for my History II final took it in approximately the same amount of time as usual..and really wasn't all that dissapointed.  Today I gave my vocal Pedagogy teacing demonstration with little to no sweat, test tomorrow...I'm not worried.  I wonder if what makes finals week so stressful is the unattractive stigma that has been attached to this otherwise normal week.  So...in conclusion, my finals week remedy...pretend its still April.  We'll see...stay tuned. 
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(no subject)  
10:30am 26/03/2009

I had my recital hearing yesterday...and I haven't heard whether or not I've been given the green light or not.  I'm not sure what the status of all that is, I messed up during two pieces, incidently they were my easiest pieces.  I sang three other pieces perfectly well, and they were probably among the most difficult pieces of music I've ever sung...so, hopefully the faculty isn't so terribly harsh.  Also I've had about 4 days to rehearse with my pianist (she doesn't speak English) prior to the hearing, and my voice was shit, my folds were dehydrated and swollen to shit.  Damn it! I hope I don't have to stay another semester because of a less than stellar hearing.  that would really be the cherry...and the chopped nuts...and hot fudge on this year thus far.  Last night I was talking (yelling..i was at a bar...) with my friend Dom and he was like "how is your voce?"  and I answered, honestly "fuck my voce!"  seriously fuck it.  I love singing, but not this...this isn't singing...this is nazi germany!  Also, I'm quickly realizing that I"m not exactly acquiring a pragmatic amount of knowledge from college during these trying economic times.  You want to know how many operas mozart wrote, which voice types are best for those operas, what size orchestra is appropriate for staging these operas, what year they were written, and who wrote the libretto...I'm your guy...and apply that to pretty much any major composer in the last 300 years...don't think that's going to help me when I've graduated and need to find a job immediately, knowledge is power..I guess.  Wow this sounds morose at best, its not really...i'm speaking candidly about our situation as Americans, probably bitching more than anything though..yeah it sounds like bitching....

Erica Evanglist is sitting next to me trying to convince an Asian student to follow christ...I'm not sure that she is understanding everything...Erica keeps repeating herself. 

"Christ died for us, that's why we have to pay tribute" 
"we are all sinners, you are aren't you?"
"you are a sinner, right"
"sin...like do something you know you shouldn't" 
"I don't know...like lying.."
"yeah! so you do that, right?"  "
"Christ forgives you for all of that, isn't he amazing??
"and you never know when you are going to die, right, so why not make sure you know where you're going now, why wait??" (wild eyed with increasing fervor)

She then hugs said Asian and implores her to stay out of trouble, and reassures her that studying is good.  Planting seeds for the Lord's crop is tireless work.  At least Erica knows she's got it made...its to the land of milk and honey or bust.

music: Ophelia's mad scene, Hamlet
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here...i wrote a story  
04:31pm 12/03/2009
I wrote this a while ago...and I can't seem to move from here...this could be a choose your own adventure, or something...or tell me what you want from these characters...and if you don't like it, tell me why..alrighty, enjoy..please.

             I suppose the rain didn’t matter in the scheme of things; an inconvenience yes, but did it really have the potential to mar the entire day, certainly not. Besides, Emry rather enjoyed the rain; at times, he revelled in its wetness as a flower might. He would often gaze at the veins that would run across his bedroom window, a window in one of his classrooms, his windshield and so on; the windshield particularly, as the wind would shift the veins would hop and disappear and then reappear, such personality! Emry also loved the smell of the air, the way everything seemed jarred and shaken, but had righted itself quickly enough that it avoided notice, the feeling of renewed purpose after having overcome such a tumultuous day. He was a particularly sentimental fellow, prone to extended silences and ramblings on the significance of nature, thought, sex, money, power; if it could be argued, he would doddle for hours about its meaning to an exhaustive degree. He even would wonder about his excessive trips to the reccesses of his mind, pondering about pondering for hours.   This wanton escape into the depths of his own psychology often left him with a face a bit like the rendering of a painter; his mouth slightly open to better exhale (without jilting his natural vascular rhythm), brow a bit too relaxed, no trace of any emotional intensity, save his eyes. You could feel the weight of his thought in his gaze. 
                Emry was handsome, by most accounts. He was of average height, not at all obtrusive. His hair was kept short, but not trimmed; his mouth held a clearly defined cupids bow, his lower-lip less full than his upper.   He had always had good skin and really needn’t have worried about such things; in fact, when he was charging through his adolescent years he had felt a huge relief in the knowledge that the blemishes that had been plagueing his peers would rarely, if ever, populate his face or back. He was of a sturdy build; broad shoulders, large hands and strong legs, and a manageable amount of body hair which grew mostly on his chest and stomach. Maybe it was inablitly or perhaps just lack of interest that deterred him from sports in high school, competitive or otherwise; however, he did have a build that would suggest an athlete, albeit unrealized. In his eyes resided an intensity that boasted intelligence, but without pride, he took no pleasure in dwarfing the less imaginitive. His eyes were a pale hazel, almost yellow; as if the setting sun were constantly shining in them. They were his mother’s eyes.              Emry, as he discovered somewhat earlier than others, was homosexual. He spoke with a delicacy that could be considered effeminate, but it was only his choice of words and how he colored them that led others to this conclusion. He was neither the victim of an overly aspirated “s” nor a social jestor spouting compliments to women and shouting cliché one-liners to attractive men. It was after years of silent deliberation that he decided it was time to tell at least one other person his secret, for if his eyes were weighted now, they were most assuredly being crushed by the pressure of his insecurity and most of all his doubt that the world could be trusted with this most intimate detail of his private thoughts.   Thinking back on those times often made him smile, strangely enough; the hours of wailing alone in his bedroom, wailing because he was alone and most assuridly damned; he was prone to fits and tantrums like a prince, outraged that those he loved couldn’t feel his pain. Pain, he thought, something that hurts that bad should leave a scar, but when he would dwell on that time he was grateful, he  knew without it he wouldn’t feel the liberation in his mind which he so revelled in now. Luckily Emry’s mother was trusting, or perhaps it was a form of medicating herself knowingly letting him dig himself into emotional oblivion, wasn’t that what he had done to her? Delivered her heart and mind to a place where she scarcely knew the truth about anything.   How could she be happy about something that was already ruining both of their lives? 
                He had told her when she was driving them to a movie, it was completely unprompted and she had needed to stop the car beside the road for some air. She was a woman who required a handle on her life and her son’s, he was after-all her responsibility, right? How could she have let him become so effeminate, she thought. She hadn’t really thought about the sexual aspects of gayness, and waves of images had bombarded her sight and she became nauseated and had thrown-up all over the back-driver-side window. All the while Emry wept and wailed, hoping that they would promptly return home and that she would lock herself in her bedroom, then it would be easy to grab the bottle of Green-Stripe from the liquor cabinet and drive to see Curtis. He was 16, maybe 17 when he developed a taste for scotch.
                Emry had told his closest friend Curtis first about his persuasion which proved to be a wise decision, they went on as if nothing had changed, well, nothing really had. Curtis was similar to Emry; bookish, not timid, but not highly-social. His looks were all-together hardened; his dark hair, which he kept long, would frame his face with waves of wirey satin while his eyes were a bright blue, giving him a coldness that seemed at first frightening, but if his eyes were like ice water his mouth and lips were a rose tea. His nose was a bit big for his face and slightly crooked, but not offensively so. Unlike Emry, Curtis had acquired a strength of body through constant training; Emry would sit and finish his homework somewhere close, no specific place, and wait for Curtis to finish with his post-practice shower and the two of them would settle at whichever of their houses was less supervised. Supervision insulted both of them, Emry had always felt the assertion of control over another was barbaric. Curtis simply hated his parents with all of the fervor of an adolescent on the brink of legal adult-hood. 
               The night Emry came-out to his mother, Curtis was home alone. His mother had gone to visit his brother, Kevin, who was studying medicine at the University of Florida; his father was working late (terribly late these days) and had planned on joining her in the morning. Curtis had feigned some sports commitment to avoid the potentially fatal trip south. Despite his distance they loved him for all that he was; handsome, smart, athletic, witty. Inspite of all these, he excelled most at pretending, in fact, he had made a sort of façade that continued to grow and surprise even himself. He took a certain pleasure in his deception, watching people admire his doppelganger. It wasn’t malice, more curiosity. He was curious to see who would be more easily convinced that he was perfect, and who would see his ghost.
                When Emry pulled up in his blue Honda Civic, Curtis knew right away, he had memorized the timbre of the engine’s moan. He crept to the living room window, to view Emry as he approached. Curtis had made this his habit, watching people who thought they were alone. Not with mal intent but rather more for the honesty of seeing what people think isn’t being seen, it was thrilling for him. Emry knew that Curtis was watching, but this knowledge didn’t alter his meandoring in the least, he approached the house as he would have regardless of notice. He chose to humor his friend, he knew that it gave Curtis some small satisfaction and never saw any reason, even in his state, to deny Curtis such a simple pleasure. 
                Emry lingered for a moment looking at the windows of the house, they were dark and unsuggesting; he was surprised that Curtis’s mothers’ window was open. Hadn’t it rained that day? The sheer, light amber colored drapes were pulled back in twin knots and the blinds were fully drawn. I wonder if she wanted to smell the rain too, he thought. He loved the rain. He continued up the sidewalk to the front steps lingering a moment; the dafadils were coming up, the first flowers of spring. He was glad it had rained. 
                Why had she thrown-up, he thought. He tried to imagine himself as his mother, driving the car, suddenly feeling like the world was closing up. She had needed air, she was sophicating. Perhaps it was bad timing, a cynical voice had said within him. At least he was trying to cheer up.
                He sat down at the bottom of the concrete stairs that wound up to Curtis’s front-porch and looked across his lawn and listened to the wind jostleling the budding branches of the two great oak trees that were planted on either side of the sidewalk. The commotion had shaken the rain water that had clung hopelessly to the small buds of the unrealized leaves sending it cascading onto the ground dampening Emry’s hair and filling his eyes with a sharp coldness that made him squint. He uncapped that bottle of Green-Stripe  and took a draught that he knew would make him cough. Hasn’t he seen enough, he thought.   The world was starting to lose its wonder as the alcohol began to pump through his veins making his head swim and his toes tingle. He took another slug and the liquid poured into his mouth, hot and dark. This time he coughed harder and started crying. 
                He knew he shouldn’t have gone there, what was Curtis supposed to do? Change his mother’s reaction? Could he change the way her eyes avoided his when he tried to catch them? I know you’re there in the second story bedroom furthest to the right behind the blinds, Curtis! You think I don’t know you hide in your brother’s old room when you spy? His mind was starting to swirl with a darkness, the kind that only materializes when one feels utterly alone. Does everyone want to see me suffer, he thought. The tears had slowed a bit, he had capped the bottle without taking another drink. Emry wiped the remnants of his tears with his jacket coat, stood-up, and began to walk.

Curtis hadn’t mentioned the night when Emry had come to his front step clutching a bottle of scotch with tears running down his face; even from the second story window he could see that. He hadn’t come out to comfort Emry as he was drinking himself into, it had appeared, a blackout. He watched as Emry had gotten up and began walking toward the edge of the grass and onto the street; he stood for a moment staring up at the street lamp whose light had cast a halo on his head as he trod under its glow. Emry reached his hand into the front-pocket of his jeans for a moment, the streetlamp had created a shadow so that Curtis couldn’t see at first what it was that he had taken from his pocket, and pulled out a red bic lighter and lit it; Emry held his hand on the flame for about five seconds and then threw the lighter at the ground. The noise was like the sound of a rock being thrust into a still pond, it hadn’t created much of a commotion but in the peace of night the sound rippled in waves through-out the neighborhood. 
                Emry had sat down under the light and put the bottle of scotch to his lips again, this time he didn’t cough. He turned and faced the house, letting his eyes travel over the first floor then slowly, deliberately travel upstairs looking first at Curtis’s parents window and then quickly to his brother’s. Curtis was startled at first at the sudden shift to the window where he had been hiding, spying on him. He can’t see me, he thought. He quickly descended the stair-well which was located just outside of his brother’s bedroom door, went to his room straight away, and flipped on the light. He had hoped that it would convince Emry that it was the noise of the lighter striking the pavement that had roused him, not the anticipation that flooded his mind whenever he heard Emry’s Civic turning on his block. 
                Emry had come-out to Curtis on a Tuesday night, in Curtis’s basement . They often would spend the late afternoon into the evening there; the floor was carpeted with a light-brown, short fiber carpet, and there was a set of dark turquoise furniture complete with chair and adomon, love-seat, and davenport. His parents had used this room in the house to exile all of their less reliable, and often less trendy, old electronics and furniture. The two of them would sit and work on homework or watch TV, sometimes they would invite other friends over, but mostly they enjoyed the company they had in one another. 
                On that Tuesday night, Curtis had noticed Emry was a bit more dreamy than usual. Curtis noticed everything. He wondered if it was his mother he was thinking about; his eyes were slightly tense and his brow crinkled like he was driving,  the sunset in his eyes. His mouth and lips were slack, as always.   However, as close as they were they rarely found instances to confide in one another, as a result Curtis took note and decided he would pry by pretending to be totally and absolutely indifferent. He had found that this method of proposed ignorance often invited his querry out, without any actual prodding at all. Curtis knew Emry better than anyone. 
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(no subject)  
11:51am 07/02/2009
I'm auditioning for graduate school today...wow.  I feel a bit like I'm taking the biggest breath I can hold and plunging into...something.  It's for the best I think, I am ready. 
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the world is changed.....oooooo  
02:40pm 14/12/2008
The clouds today are heavy, everything is gray. At least the wind isn't as cold...silver lining.

I received my financial aid award notification, finally, and discovered that apparently because of the aid that I was granted after the fact, they are sending the money I had borrowed from an alternative loan company back...which means I now owe the university roughly thirteen-hundred dollars...which is slightly jarring, I'm not sure that the $1.97 that I have in my checking account is going to cover it.  They always offer me parent plus loans even though my mother has never been approved for one to date...so they think they are giving me a package that would assure me that I'll be "sitting pretty" come spring..when in reality I'll be eating PB sandwiches, Smoking Worth Lights, crying because I can't afford to send in graduate school applications, and eventually decide that a life of crime is the only remedy for my unsavory situation.  So I think I'm going to go visit with the good men/women at the financial aid center and see what can be done.  

School is going swimmingly! I do believe I may have a nod worthy GPA this semester.  I was slightly concerned about German due to the attendance policy (which I had apparently sub-consciously deemed myself immune to any sort of retribution if said policy wasn't observed).  I met with the head of the department and he gave me a couple of extra things to do so that he could, in good conscience, forgive my unprecedented amount of absences.  So all is well!  I was waiting for this semester to finish so I could see if my GPA would be good enough for scholarships/graduate assistant-ships.

hmmm what else..........
Love life........uneventful, but not at all disheartening
health/fitness.....I've lost weight...however I don't feel awesome, I just haven't eaten much today..at least the room stopped spinning anyway
Singing.....going well!!! should probably not smoke anything...anymore....i haven't the strength, you saw to that when you made me
Plans for the Future....give me one reason to stay here, and I'll turn right back around.

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goody goody....what's that word again?  
11:15am 29/11/2008
today is a rather chilly day, but i expect I shouldn't be too perturbed, after all, winter has barely begun.
Thanksgiving was nice, Ryan let me borrow his car so that I could go down to my mom's house in southern Iowa.  On the way I needed to pick up my brother and his daughter, I hadn't seen either of them since August, and it was a nice chance to see my brother and my niece (she's so bigg!)  Anyway it wasn't such a terrible drive, we talked more or less, and we listened to music.  Jesse (that's my brother) talked mostly about his ambitions and fanciful ideas, I didn't really have the energy to ask him how he planned on doing these things as some of his ideas seemed so far-fetched that I'm certain his train of thought would have been lost; or perhaps he hadn't really thought that far in advance...or maybe I'm a jerk for not encouraging his ideas.  who knows...I really wonder what his end will be, where he goes...anyway, he told me he didn't have any place to go, and I offered to let him stay with me until tuesday..so he can figure out his next move..he's separated from his wife, he doesn't have an apartment, and he doesn't have a job, I figured since I have done so little to help out my family in the last 4 years, it was my duty.  However, having never spent more than 10 hours with the guy in the last 10 years, it's turning out to be a tall order indeed.  I'm a little worried about his mental well-being...he's prone to talking to himself and saying things that make little to no sense, it's almost like he is having a conversation in his head with someone else and then says snippets of that conversation out-loud...and I'll ask him what he's talking about and he always responds "nothing" or "never-mind"...or just changes the subject, I'm vexed.  I guess we'll see.

in other news...
opera scenes concert on tuesday, my mom is coming up and jesse will be there so it'll be nice to have people in the audience who are related, I know they can't always make it, but it feels really great when they do! 

I need another job, I have exhausted many of my resources, which...heading into the holiday season, never really a good time to be a broke brotha. I was thinking of applying at Jimmy John's, I have sandwich experience.  maybe I'll find a nannying job...I'll be the tough-as-nails authoritarian and the kids will be rowdy yet charming, and they'll crack my harsh exterior to reveal my heart-of-gold...wasn't Vin Diesel in that movie, what was it called?

anyway, I should be practicing and making sure my life goes according to plan right now, so...until next time..have your pets fixed or something.
mood: contemplativecontemplative
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(no subject)  
12:13pm 04/11/2008
Here I am again...listening to choral music in the lab...not going to German.  Whatever, I'll tell her I'm voting, that's excusable right? So I ordered a CD of Choral music that I love, it was to arrive last Monday.  I'm so impatient.

I need to vote, but I don't really have a ride, I suppose I'll have to walk, or find someone who doesn't mind waiting for me..apparently the line is absurd..that's good, right? 

So what are you supposed to do when you know someone..sort of, not well...and you would like to know them better..without seeming like you want to get with them...slash seeming like you are unfathomably infatuated...though I'm not trying to get with said someone, and am not deeply infatuated; every time I say or do anything regarding this someone, I feel insurmountable awkwardness.  I'm clearly thinking about it too much, trying too hard to seem nonchalant...that it just comes across as ever more conspicuous.  UGH...dear god make me celibate...so i never write another livejournal entry about this nonsense.  ICK..............."I've been dating since I was 15, I'm exhausted, where is he?!"

NATS was this weekend, I was honorable mention...I'll take it, at least I still get money..and I didn't have to spend another moment on that campus.  I'm not so terribly disappointed about how things turned out for myself..well, slightly...but hearing the people who participated in the finals..I really wasn't impressed.  Not from a stand-point of who's better or worse, but in general...most were unimpressive.  Maybe I'm a tough sell...or maybe I should stop talking about it because I'm boring myself.

I've starting working on some new literature...I have a jury at the end of next month, and my senior recital material needs to be chosen by Thanksgiving.  Wow, everything is really kind of winding up for this semester...shit.
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kyrie eleison  
12:19pm 23/10/2008
I've decided that I'm going to conduct an experiment...I'm going to not go to German for 4 days and see how quickly I can catch up..this experiment is already in progress.

I'm in the computer lab listening to choral music on youtube...there's no time for German. 
Nothing really is new, I was stressed at the beginning of the week, I had a project due in Song Literature and then I had to conduct in Conducting (funny that) so I needed to write a rehearsal plan for wednesday morning..and I had to work on Tuesday until 11:30...luckily everything went off without a hitch; therefore, I have decided that I will never stress over anything..ever again, because I know that it is all within my ability to finish, and do well even. Bon!

hmmm, romantic life...static, nothing new there...oh well, abstinence is in, right?
I need another job, as I only have about 150 dollars to last me until my next paycheck at the end of the month. I would really like to treat my family and friends to Christmas gifts this year...I always want to, but then things get away from me, and there really isn't enough money for such obligatory philanthropy.

I think I'm going to try and remove myself from my worldly vices...to experience life without them for awhile.  I mean, I don't have a car...computer, TV...so if I cut out drinking and smoking marijuana...what would I do, I guess thats what I'm trying to find out...stay tuned.  I have a desire for hermitage as it were.

There's a bug struggling for life in front of my keyboard...gross
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