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11:06pm 12/10/2009
I feel like a changed person...not a girl, not yet a woman..all I need is time? In the last week or so I have experienced such an influx of inspiration I hardly know what to do with myself!  I have a confidence that I can honestly say I have never known.  I could not be more elated.  For the first time in years my first and only priority is my future..I will admit that a number of difficult decisions had to be made.  So difficult, in fact, that any extensive deliberation on such matters might hinder my new-found ambition, perhaps not to an overly destructive degree...probably closer to self-guilt.  There is a part of me that is begging me to feel guilty, and at times..it does win out.  That is the way of guilt though, isn't it?  For the first time in years..possibly ever, I suppose..I am entirely focused on my happiness and more importantly I feel a duty to become a success as a professional.  I believe wholly that I have a contribution to make to my field...albeit unrealized currently.  Graduate school is probably the antithesis of what I expected...I don't want to say easy....but it's pretty fucking easy.  I think it feels easy because I have always wanted the sort of relationship that I now have with my teachers..a partnership in discovery.  I'm aware that this all sounds a bit foolish, but in my heart of hearts..I promise it is true.

I feel nothing but adoration for my peers and colleagues..In a way that is far more genuine than I could have imagined..I feel loved..appreciated.  I am encompassed in a love that I feel will never perish.  There would never be enough thanks for this. 

more recently...
this has got to be short..regretfully the paragraph above was a bit premature...too good to be true?  in fact the paragraph above is entirely the rantings of an optimist that I scarcely believe is actually me...yikes.  the distinct sting of reality, thank you for the jolt...I knew I couldn't fool you for long.  woe is me...woeful...woefully writing...etc.  not for always, right?
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