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(no subject)  
02:09pm 15/08/2014
I haven't slept much this week. Avoiding life. This will all change one day, I'm sure. ..I think I'm sure.

seems like good things are coming.

adulthood is a rouse. 
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(no subject)  
01:51am 16/10/2013
the white of this page discourages me.
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(no subject)  
01:15am 17/04/2013
I'm sitting awake at 1 am drinking in my room..I'm going on vacation tomorrow! I can't believe it's finally here..and that I can actually go! the respite is short, but plenty :) being an adult means understanding/enjoying pragmatic luxuries.

I'm drinking so that I can (hopefully) fall asleep. we'll see how well I sleep..I'm so excited :)

I'll be visiting Nathan, Zach, and Amy.. the 3 greatest friends of my life live in the same place!  Denver, here I come.
mood: lovedloved
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something old..and something new  
04:36am 09/05/2012
I had hoped that by taking the route that I knew only barely that I would have evaded the problems that were threatening to overtake my stubborn resolve.  A miscalculation on my part, but like most of the events of this week, it was becoming ever more clear that I am inadequately prepared to deal with the absence of a 'day to day'.  This realization really didn't reveal the solution as readily as I had been led to believe by optimistic relatives and friends.  I trod on knowing I would inevitably become lost in this unfamiliar neighborhood that resembled my own so closely that I could have sworn that I had seen the very same display of hostas on my way out.  Unfortunately, my recollection of the scene was fogged if not completely blotted out by the excess of alcohol pumping through my veins.
  Why had I let my fortitude crumble? Why had I knowingly ushered my heart into such a tepid pool of hostile creatures?  

I had started the story above..I actually can't remember how long ago it was. Anyway, here it is!  I get so weighted with words when I write, it inevitably transforms any story I may have brewing into a pile of adjectives..and then the story just becomes too heavy to carry anywhere except to the bin!  Could I be a writer? I lack a creative flow that barely breeches the scope of a paragraph..if I'm lucky maybe I'll be able to eek out a page or two, but if you whittle it down to relevant work...it's still no better than a mass of imaginative drivel with no segue way. 

in real life...
I have moved to Iowa City! I am trying to drink in the experience of this new place..and I think I may really enjoy it here for years to come.  I have lived in 3 different places since deciding to make the move, and I have finally landed in a place that I know I will reside at least until the end of July..after which again I am uncertain..go figure.  I am trying to remain optimistic because to do otherwise would be counterproductive, and dis bitch can't afford to waste time with that nonsense. 
mood: determineddetermined
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(no subject)  
03:24pm 23/01/2011
Winter is with us now, and I believe the last time we spoke it was early summer.  A considerable number of events have occurred in the interim.  In 7 months I traveled to hell and back again, like Bilbo..or Jesus.  It struck me the other day that perhaps I'm gonna be all right, and that perhaps the worst of it all is over just now.  I wish I could describe the release in that statement in words, but I guess you-had-to-be-there to get it. 

I am humbled by the unfailing kindness and good-nature that exists within the people that surround me.

Outlook 2011-????
Have Faith
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I left my heart with the wild hunt, a'c'min'  
02:32pm 15/07/2010

I've recently begun my attempt at resolving all conflict in my life..remove reactivity and merely accept circumstances as they are, simply a moment. 

Obviously easier said than done, as in most instances. 

I'm making headway in the "career choices" section of my personal reality.  Oddly enough, Library Science is becoming increasingly more seductive.  Not quite sure if I can really explain this passion..I guess the strongest tether is the potentially dangerous situations that might arise after a good 30 years of tedious busy work (so that one day, I could ultimately save humanity and restore balance to the force)..the lowly librarian will have his day in the sun, trust. 

I've yet to retrieve my leatherbound journal from Ty's house, I should really go get that...too much longer and the courtesy privacy-policy could become a bit weathered, not that it would really be that much of a problem..for what could I really say in my absolutely incoherent drug-induced ramblings that would inspire a change in the public's opinion of me..I think I swam out this far because I couldn't stand the noise anyway. 
Definitely not sure if I will ever have that thing [my beloved, though cliche', leatherbound muse] again.

I think I grew up in every way entirely too early and completely too late..eventually they should meet in the middle, at least that's what my palms read.

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(no subject)  
12:24pm 01/07/2010

I've been updating my journal from the ROD library reference area lab for the previous 2 summers..and in those summers I generally produce thrice the amount of entries I manage to squeeze out during the academic (not actual) year.  Time goes by so slowly for those who wait? 

Currently I am taking a hiatis from graduate school, or rather I was kicked out for putting up poor marks..fortunately I didn't want to go anymore..so there. 
Additionally, I've moved into an apartment with a guy named dan..he's great, actually..things really couldn't be better on that front.  Since moving across the alley (part deux) I've acquired a bit of a cleaning bug!  I think the change of location plus the internal desire to appear useful ( I am currently unemployed, but looking! hey you, got any work!). 

Oh...I've gained weight too..fuck this, right?  How does someone who can barely afford food gain weight??  Clearly the Gods have cursed me with the metabolic staying power of a bovine.  I don't think that I'm over-rationalizing the situation if I say that I'm farely active..walking and such..biking now..its gotta be the drinking and the pot..fuck.  I went for a jog yesterday morning and a bike ride..and then another bike ride to the beach and back..then a walk.  All in all, I'm exhausted today, I'm actually bigger because I'm swollen, everywhere..and I snagged a bit of a tan.  Clearly I am on my way to a better life!

No job yet, the search continues.
Not in love yet, see above.

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(no subject)  
05:34pm 27/05/2010
reading over some of the posts that I have left, it is astounding how quickly everything can change. 
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(no subject)  
11:06pm 12/10/2009
I feel like a changed person...not a girl, not yet a woman..all I need is time? In the last week or so I have experienced such an influx of inspiration I hardly know what to do with myself!  I have a confidence that I can honestly say I have never known.  I could not be more elated.  For the first time in years my first and only priority is my future..I will admit that a number of difficult decisions had to be made.  So difficult, in fact, that any extensive deliberation on such matters might hinder my new-found ambition, perhaps not to an overly destructive degree...probably closer to self-guilt.  There is a part of me that is begging me to feel guilty, and at times..it does win out.  That is the way of guilt though, isn't it?  For the first time in years..possibly ever, I suppose..I am entirely focused on my happiness and more importantly I feel a duty to become a success as a professional.  I believe wholly that I have a contribution to make to my field...albeit unrealized currently.  Graduate school is probably the antithesis of what I expected...I don't want to say easy....but it's pretty fucking easy.  I think it feels easy because I have always wanted the sort of relationship that I now have with my teachers..a partnership in discovery.  I'm aware that this all sounds a bit foolish, but in my heart of hearts..I promise it is true.

I feel nothing but adoration for my peers and colleagues..In a way that is far more genuine than I could have imagined..I feel loved..appreciated.  I am encompassed in a love that I feel will never perish.  There would never be enough thanks for this. 

more recently...
this has got to be short..regretfully the paragraph above was a bit premature...too good to be true?  in fact the paragraph above is entirely the rantings of an optimist that I scarcely believe is actually me...yikes.  the distinct sting of reality, thank you for the jolt...I knew I couldn't fool you for long.  woe is me...woeful...woefully writing...etc.  not for always, right?
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(no subject)  
12:01pm 19/09/2009
a draft from this summer...
I've recently run into a bit of bad luck financially...and by bad luck I mean extremely bad planning.  what's new?  c'est la vie? I'll stick with that.  This summer certainly has been filled with its ups and downs, ins and outs, etc.  Some days I feel incredible other days I feel as though I feel as anxious as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  I really ought to see someone for this anxiety I think, sometimes its pretty potent.  Unfortunately, however, I am no longer covered under my mom's insurance..so therapy will have to wait until the fall; I should have done something sooner..god damn hindsight! 

I went to Colorado last week with a new friend of mine, annie.  It was exhilerating to have done something so spontaneous..she asked me to go and I accepted.  This summer is truly shaping up to be one of leisure and ambivalence.  again..c'est la vie...well its my vie anyway.  she and I went on a great hike in the mountains (we were staying in boulder)

more recently..
my first week of graduate school seems very similar to my first week of my undergraduate degree...except sans proximity confusion.  I can honestly say that I feel remarkably motivated.   This is, thank god, a sharp contrast with the general mood of this past summer season.  I'm so glad to be working toward something again.  I guess if you give me an inch..I'll swim all over you.  I am retaking a couple of classes that I  had taken in my undergraduate degree, I didn't do so hot on the diagnostic exam.  I did fairly well on the history component; however, with the more technical aspects I apparently needed to have a refresher..a year long one.  As easy it would be to become defensive...I guess I'm a tit embarrased

much more recently...
Well it is a happy Saturday indeed!  School is...going..I can't shake the feeling that I'm the worst graduate student ever..I'm late, I don't always shower..sometimes I skip brushing my teeth in the morning because I'm running late..these things are definitely a newer development, normally my day could not have possibly begun without a shower and at least a 15 minute deliberation on the topic of attire.  However...graduate school really isn't such a terribly difficult step, in fact I've found that I'm considerably less stressed and most certainly less time consuming (as far as class schedules go).  I had a bit of a rough start, there was a part of me that was valiantly resisting the reality of school..staying up all hours, sluffing-off homework a bit..not really practicing..things of that nature..hence the "worst grad student" feelings.  Fortunately, I've begun to catch a good stride, and it's about time..now that school has been in session for the better part of a month...yikes!  Tyler and I are forging quite the friendship, he inspires me in a very unique way; and he is complimentary in an entirely unsolicited and genuine way..always.  This is a strange experience for me, I suppose it would be the cliche self-rightous assertion that I don't need compliments..but damn they feel good!  I will say that there seems to be a noticeable shift  (in more ways than one...) in the amount of time I spend within my circle of friends.  Not necessarily any additions..just a redistribution of time spent with current friends, and I'm glad to make the change.  Discovering things with newly intimate friends is exhilerating
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